I would like to share a story with you about a conversation i had last night that changed everything for me forever.
Eden and I were driving to get food and she looked and me and said Mom i remember when i was having Chemo and one night at Dad's Riley was very upset and crying because he was afraid i wouldn't make it through the chemo. I said what do you mean you wouldn't make it? She said you know mom "pass away" I said oh ok go on. She said i had to go into his room and tell him it was ok and that i was ok and he should go to sleep. Then she said something that rocked me to my core. Mom, you know i am not worried but if things get worse we might have to start to worry. I lost my breath and was unable to speak. i am barely able to keep myself from falling down the rabbit hole, what will i do if i know have to worry that she is understanding to much of what is going on?? AND this is where everything changed........... She said Mom I am not afraid to go to Heaven! And she began to tell me all the wonderful things in Heaven such as you can eat anything you want and you can drive at any age and did i know that there are cool games and the best Zoo and food there that we don't have here and best of all there are no rules! She said that when God was making her she took a sneak peek around and tried really hard to remember everything she saw so she could tell me about it when she was old enough to talk. WOW!!
For the past two years i have wondered if my purpose on this earth was to be her mother and help and support her though this difficult time. Then last night i was forced to rethink everything. Has God been preparing her for this life from day one? Did he give her images of Heaven to keep her from fearing Death? Am i really helping and supporting her through this difficult time or is she helping and supporting me thought it? Is this my purpose on earth or hers?
During this conversation i mentioned that Christi may get to go to Heaven soon and her response was : Mom, She is soooo Lucky! Mom, Do you think that Jaret and Ian have met yet? Mom, Did you know that Pet Heaven is just next door to People heaven so they can visit whenever they want?
I never want to say goodbye to my sweet girl and i will fight for her life for as long as it is in her best interest but if the day comes when i must say goodbye I now know that she will not be afraid and therefore i will not be afraid for her!
We have had to say goodbye to one of the strongest worriers we know this week and it was terribly painful to do because we will miss her so very much. It has made facing Edens current scans so much harder knowing they will tell us a story we may not want to hear.
Thank you for listening to me ramble!